You’re in a relationship and some aspects of it are fine, maybe even wonderful. But other parts don’t work so well. Maybe your sex life could improve or maybe you have a lot of conflict regarding co-parenting. Or maybe you function and cooperate well together but every time you try to communicate something meaningful or emotional, it is unsatisfying and ends up in disappointment and frustration.
Here’s a suggestion- don’t resign yourself to the situation nor should you keep on reacting to it. Instead- take a closer look at yourself, yes you, not your partner. Of course you can ask your partner to do the same. If he does, great, if not, let it be for now. Get curious about your own past especially what was missing. Let me explain this further with a few examples with totally made up names:
Example # 1- Mary was the oldest child in a family with 2 other siblings. Her mother was an alcoholic who was rarely emotionally present and the father was out of town a lot on business. He had few interpersonal skills. Mary learns to be self-reliant at a very early age out of necessity and also takes care of the other 2 children when she senses that her mother is incapable. Now, Mary is in a marriage where she feels that he does not care and she has to do everything and think of everything. Mary is frustrated and feels like a victim. She comes into therapy with me and I help her to get curious about her own patterns. She sees that she rarely if ever experienced the feeling of relying on someone else. What is missing for her is the feeling of trusting that a person will come through for her. She realizes that she does not allow herself to relax and that she is repeating a survival pattern from childhood in a current marriage. She now knows that she must practice being more dependent in a healthy way. She needs to leave the misery and familiarity of being always the giver and now must practice being a taker. As she practices that, her husband is now taken out of his comfort zone since she is beginning to ask things of him. He now has to adjust to that and in truth; the probability of him changing his patterns goes up because she has unbalanced the previous status quo of the relationship.

Example # 2- Craig is frustrated with his wife who has no desire to have sex with him. She complains that he is judgmental and can even be a tyrant. He comes into therapy perplexed. He claims he has no malice towards his wife; he just wishes she’d be more efficient at times. I encourage him to look at his past to see what may be going on in his psyche. Craig had a very critical father who would often say- You will never amount to anything. He starts to realize how much pressure he puts on himself unconsciously to “prove his father wrong.” He is wound up, has a short fuse, and is as hard on his wife (and kids) as he is on himself. His task is to practice being kinder to himself, take the pressure off and ultimately be gentler with his wife. She just may want to have more sex with him if that happens!

Other things to look for in your past include but are not limited to:

How were feelings communicated (or not)
Were you listened to by your parents?
How much attention did you get?
Was there verbal, physical or sexual abuse?
Were your parents affectionate with each other?
What were you praised for?
Did your parents have relatively equal power or was dominant and the other more submissive?
Was your household relatively permissive or strict?
What was the attitude in the house about sexuality?

How you answer these above questions gives you clues as to your automatic perceptions, attitudes and behaviors. The key is to become aware and then creative (as opposed to reactive) as I described in the two examples. As you shift from the survival patterns learned in your past to more creative, nurturing acts, your opening the door to possibility of not only you but also your partner. If both of you are doing this simultaneously, you can often see results rather quickly. I am here to help if you need some guidance with this. So, pay attention, take responsibility and be open to a more satisfying relationship future!

A DAY TO LAUNCH YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO ANOTHER TRAJECTORY!!!

TODD CREAGER’S COUPLES WORKSHOP
AUGUST 21ST
8:30-4:30
IRVINE, CA

• Learn powerful thought provoking new ways to view your relationship and partner that will make it easier to get unstuck from unsatisfying behavior patterns.
• Experience at the workshop what it feels like to have dialogues with your partner where you both feel heard and cared about.
• Feel more hope as you learn important relationship skills and become excited about your future together.
• Learn how you can build a solid foundation for a lasting and loving marriage

Don’t lose out on this opportunity to have a fulfilling relationship!

Call Todd Creager for more information at (714) 848-2288 or e-mail him at todd@toddcreager.com.

Click below to check out my video about a phenomenal event for couples!

\"Todd Creager on his upcoming couples workshop\"

     I am called a therapist/ marriage counselor/ sex therapist.  When working with couples, I can also be called a tour guide that takes you both on an interpersonal safari.  Safaris are adventurous; you never know exactly what is up ahead.  I am your guide in this process whether you come for therapy sessions, do phone consults, webinars or read my book, “The Long, Hot Marriage.”  It is all about leaving the familiar.

     The reason couples are unsatisfied is because they stay with the familiar.  They do the same things, say the same things and even think the same things.  Extroverts extrovert and don’t listen, introverts introvert and don’t express.  If your father cheated on your mother, you unconsciously expect the same thing from your husband.  If your mother abandoned you in some way, you live as if your wife will abandon you as well.  All this makes for a lot of self-protection, putting up walls and disconnecting in some way.  Whenever there is any emotion around, each partner does a series of fight or flight reactions which are meant to protect oneself from loss and instead lead the relationship right into the loss they each dread and try so hard to avoid.

     The answer is courage, namely, the courage to drop the self protection and be willing to get hurt.  That does not mean you will be hurt or should plan on getting hurt; however if you are not willing to get hurt/ rejected/ judged, you will stay safe, small and protected.  You will not love fully nor will you allow love into your heart from your partner.  This intimate relationship stuff is not a game for cowards.  You need to develop the courageous, mature parts of yourself that are willing to lose.  When you are not trying to win/ be right/ defend, there is room to listen to your ‘disagreeable’ partner.  There is room to take some chances; reveal something important about yourself, possible your fears or secret desires.  You can experiment with new behaviors that could nourish your partner and yourself more in the relationship.  You could try new things in your sex life and not worry about a virtuoso performance.

     That is easier said than done.  You want to do it but there is a stubborn, strong part of you that tries to protect you every step of the way.  This part of you means well but is not helpful in intimacy.  You need to firmly and courageously stand up to that part of you and “go for it.”  Take that chance, get rejected possibly or maybe even accepted more than ever before.  Seek a qualified therapist/coach/interpersonal tour guide such as myself to help you take those necessary leaps of faith.  Read my book and do the exercises that will catalyze your growth and ultimate increased satisfaction.  Don’t settle for what previous generations and even your own peer group may be settling for.  Your relationship can be fantastic.  Be brave and bon voyage!

     As a marriage therapist, I have noticed one pattern that happens across all relationships.   After a while, one partner begins to feel like the parent (managing, overseeing, watching the budget, etc.) and the other feels more like the child (restricted, nagged, controlled, approved or disapproved of).  When the female is in the parent role, it is a mother/son dynamic; when the male is in the parent role, it is a father/daughter dynamic. These parent child patterns become power struggles.  Many shopping problems come from this dynamic where the female feels controlled and powerless and gets to experience her power as she shops.  The male then tries to control more and the pattern can escalate.  (Father/daughter dynamic)

     Shopping problems within a committed relationship can often be signs of a power struggle.  Commonly, it is the female who has the shopping problem.  Often she experiences the relationship where she is being controlled by a male partner who is in an authoritarian position relative to her.  She can unconsciously slip into an “adolescent-like” rebellious mode and express her “lost individuality” through shopping.

     This is not to say that the female is the only one that has to work on herself.  The man needs to look at his rigidity and close-mindedness.  He needs to pay special attention to what words he says and how he says it.  If he pays attention, he probably will notice a “lecturing” tone that will evoke the “little girl” part of his wife.  He needs learn how to speak to her as an equal without the authoritarian stance.

     The woman needs to discover healthier ways to express her individuality.  She needs to reimagine him as her equal rather than her automatic projection of him as someone she needs to either comply with or rebel against.  She is an adult and can learn how to experience her own ability to choose. 

     She needs to see herself as always able to say yes to what she wants and no to what she does not want to.  Giving to her male partner is not about “pleasing daddy;” it is about her willingness to be a loving equal partner.  Saying no to her partner is not about a power grab because she always had the power to say yes or no.  If she says no, it is because she chooses to say no in this particular situation at this particular time.

     Every time she has an urge to shop or spend excessively, she can stop herself and ask herself, “Where do I feel a lack of power?” and “How can I experience my power to choose in healthier ways?”  She is free now to choose to say no to excessive spending; it is not about complying with her partner’s demands; it is about her ability to say no to herself when appropriate.

      Lastly, she needs to ask herself if she has things in her life that make her feel good so that she does not need to shop excessively to feel good.  She also can think about what she needs to ask of her husband to make her feel good.

  My life had been going at too rapid a pace.  There had been family needs, a practice to run and a bunch of “other” situations that had come up and stolen my personal time which already was precious and slim.  I did my best to get to the gym but even that was not as consistent as I would like.  However, there are two areas of my life that suffered the most- my own quiet time- meditation, reflection as well as my “couple” time with my wife.  Yes, even marriage therapists can get caught up in the day to day life stuff that can take away from interpersonal and spiritual health.  So, the question is- What was I going to do about it?

     There are times when life gets crunched; when the necessities of life take over for a while or there is a special event that needs lots of attention to detail.  The problem is that people including me can get into patterns where there is no time for the soul.   Instead of a small period of self-deprivation, it becomes chronic.

      Today, my wife and I went to the beach and spent 2 hours sitting on the Huntington Beach pier watching our house guest surf.  The two of us also talked and had some laughs.  I didn’t accomplish anything huge but I felt very alive and peaceful.  I was taking in the water, the waves, the bright sunny day, my wife’s laugh and smile, enjoying her hand in mine and enjoying watching our house guest surf.

     Most of us intuitively know that these kinds of times are what make life worth living.  If you ask yourself why you are working and trying to make more money, you would probably answer something that has to do with pleasures of the soul.  Therefore, we cannot confuse the goal with the method.  The goal  for most of us is to have more soul time; more time to enjoy our lives, our relationships.  The method needs to in part be to make more money, because without money, life gets out of control and soul time suffers. Also, the method in part needs to be to take care of things on our to do list or otherwise life can feel out of control as well.  In order to enjoy our soul time, there needs to be a feeling of being in control of our lives.  So, what I often do is ask my clients to think about soul time in small chunks.  We cannot always take two hours out or two days out to take care of our soul.  Two minutes of soul time can be an energy shifting experience.  Here is an example- If you are in a current relationship, pick a time when you are both busy “doing stuff.”  Purposefully stop and approach your partner.  Ask her to stop what she is doing for just a couple of minutes so that you can show her how much you love her.  Then, take her face in your hands and  gently touch and stroke her face.  Give her a nice gentle kiss on the lips.  After a couple of minutes, resume doing your stuff separately.  (I am assuming that you are busy or tired.  You can always spend more time together.)  My point here is to notice the significant change in how you feel and the mood between you after just a few short minutes of soul time.

     So let me summarize my answers to the question of the first paragraph- “What am I going to do about it?

1. Decide to make soul time a priority.  (I believe that with soul time and a sense of balance my financial health will increase.  Taking time off from productivity ultimately leads to more productivity).
2. Think flexibly when it comes to taking soul time for myself.  Minutes of stopping alone or together can be tremendously life enhancing.
3. Schedule it!  If I don’t schedule soul time (the more extended soul times), it won’t happen.  Scheduled activities always take precedence over unscheduled activities.

Yasko is a wonderful massage therapist and very creative. I highly recommend this class to couples who want to enhace their connection through massage. It will increase the health of both partners while simultaneously deepening their relationship.

Couple’s Massage Class
- #1: Neck and Shoulder in Sitting Position -
Do you feel dread when your partner asks
you to massage him/her?
Do you want to deepen the love connection
with your partner?
Does time seem to stop when you massage
your partner?
“Touch can communicate more love in 5 seconds than words can in 5 minutes.”
Communicate with your partner through power of touch. Learn the tips and
techniques on how to massage your partner easily and effectively without hurting
your fingers, hands, or back. No tools or experiences needed. You can use the new
skills anywhere, anytime – home, beach, airport, etc.
Wednesday, May 19th 6PM-8PM
At Egoscue Orange County
Spectrum Pointe Dr. Suite 210
Lake Forest, CA 92630
$88/couple (space is limited)
To Sign up email: yasko@bliss2massage.com
Bliss Squared Massage

http://www.bliss2massage.com

yasko@bliss2massage.com
949.300.8199
Can’t make the class? Private class
is also available. Visit

http://www.bliss2massage.com

for more information.

     In addition to being a therapist and author, I speak regularly on the subjects of relationships and success.  In the area of relationships, I am most known as a marriage and sex therapist.  I do very powerful anmd motivating talks on how to create loving, passionate, and joyful long term relationships.  In these talks, I promise you will hear things that you will hear from nobody else.  After 27 years of helping couples, I have come to realize what it takes to make relationships work. 

     I have also done many talks on work relationships.  Subjects include dealing with work conflict, leadership skills and team building.  In regards to team building, one of the areas I focus on is Meyers Briggs Temperament and Type which is a very useful tool for creating a more cohesive, harmonious and  efficient work force.  My signature talk for work relationships is titled “How To Bring the Best Out of Others.”

     I have a talk titled- “Becoming a Success Magnet” How to Develop Your Midas Touch Even in Tough Times.”  This presentation focuses on how to get yourself motivated to create the goals you REALLY want for your life and achieve them.   This is not your typical-”Rah, Rah”speech that talks ony about the power of positive thinking.  This gets to your own internal obstacles to your success and happiness and teaches you how to overcome them.

     Whether you need a speaker to help attendees rekindle passion and create a great intimate relationship, or deal with work relationships and leadership or want to get motivated to be wildly successful, I could be your man.  If you want to find out more about my speaking services, go to my website- www.toddcreager.com and click the speaking tab.

     I have been a marriage and sex therapist for over 27 years and thoroughly believe in the possibility of change.  People can improve themselves.  However, and this is a big however, change is difficult.  If a person wants to change a destructive behavior pattern, he needs help.  He needs to be ready to do the work of change, get into therapy, examine himself and become more aware.  He needs to look at his core issues and what was the driving force behind this destructive behavior.

     This is not the common scenario of what happens.  What more typically happens is that the “bad boy” meets the “good girl” and he uses his words to promise her that he will be different this time.  She believes she is his magic answer and that her “goodness” and loyal devotion will truly change her man.  At the same time, the “good girl” gets to live vicariously through the confidence and coolness of the bad boy.  And even though he is still that exciting “bad boy,” she knows that he will not betray her and will contain himself, even though he has not demonstrated that ability before.

     One thing I have learned without doubt is that words do not mean much at all when it comes to changing long standing negative behavior.  Words are said in the “feeling of the moment,” when the couple is “in love” and they are intoxicated with each other’s presence.  However, feelings and moods change and as the early romance shifts into a more secure and stable relationship, his old instincts can rapidly emerge.  He has done nothing to develop his emotional muscle to handle these impulses.  In the case of adultery, the adulterer can be engaging in this for a variety of reasons such as: 1) looking for affirmation, 2) stress reduction, 3) sex addiction, 4) sabotaging relationships and avoiding intimacy.   Unless the man addresses these underlying factors, he will repeat the same behaviors again.  The “bad boy” may be fun, but underneath his charm, he is fearful of growing up and being an adult.  He often feels very inadequate deep down and the persona of “bad boy” is an act to compensate for and cover up these feelings.

     When the female of this pair comes into my office after she has been betrayed, abused or neglected, she typically will say something like the following:

     I know he had a bad past and didn’t treat women well in the past.  And I had the scary thought that he would do the same thing to me.  But I ignored it.  He was so much fun and I had never felt this head over heels feeling about the other men I dated that actually treated women much better.  Even as I was getting ready to walk up the aisle at the wedding, I had an uneasy feeling but was hopeful that love would conquer all.

     ALL the women I counseled who have been victims of their “bad boy” intimate partner have had a gut sense much earlier in the relationship that this relationship could be dangerous to my emotional wellbeing.  Many choose to ignore it because of the excitement they feel as well as their rescue fantasy.  In a sense then, they are not totally blind, but blind to the importance of acting on their intuition. 

     My recommendations to the “good girls” who are attracted to “bad boys” are the following:

1)      Find your own internal “bad girl.”  Learn how to be wilder and more selfish in healthy ways.  I am not saying that you should do self-destructive behaviors but find ways to get edgier.  Stretch yourself rather than rely on a man’s “badness” to express that part of you.  For example- Take a pole-dancing class or decide to be all about your needs for a day rather than putting others needs first.

2)      Grieve the fantasy that you have any power WHATSOEVER to change your partner’s dependent, self-absorbed or addictive patterns.  If he is not working on himself- GAME OVER AND YOU ARE THE BIG LOSER.

3)      If you are not ready to give up the relationship, make an ultimatum that your partner get into therapy to deal with the underlying factors that lead to his “bad boy” behavior.  Ultimatums are absolutely necessary at times to take care of yourself.  Make sure that you can be involved in the therapy either continuously or intermittently.  “Bad boys” have a great talent for charming some therapists and making them as blind to his negative behaviors as you were. 

     Open your eyes to your deeper wisdom.   Don’t just listen to his words.  Listen to his actions.  Being blind to the truth may allow you temporary feelings of starry-eyed love, excitement and adrenalin rushes but inevitably will lead to heartbreak and disappointment.  Pay attention to his past and ask for him to do the work of growing up.  If he does, great; however if it is only words you hear, let go and grieve the relationship.  You deserve more.

There are many factors that Contribute to your psychology of money such as upbringing, economic background, cultural expectations, religious beliefs, role models, life circumstance, and innate personality and temperament    In addition there are different beliefs about money (often unconscious) such as:

 1) “I’ll never have enough” 2) “I don’t deserve it.” 3) “I will be good enough only when I have it.”  4) “I need to appear like I have money to be good enough.”

     In addition to the above two ways partners can be different in their handling of money matters is differences in temperament.  There are 4 different possible temperaments.  The idea of 4 different temperaments has been around for over 3000 years starting with Aristotle and has been developed more clearly over the last century.  The most recent terms for the 4 temperaments are catalyst, theorist, stabilizer and guardian.  People are most alive and well when they are able to meet their core needs and live their values and talents of their particular temperament.

     Regarding money, catalysts tend to use money as a way to create future possibilities. They will more easily spend money to benefit themselves or their loved ones in the future.  They see the big picture and will sacrifice the present to some degree to get there. Theorists strategize and think through financial matters.  They see the big picture as well and will weigh the pros and cons of making a certain financial decision.  Stabilizers are more concrete and would like things stable and secure.  You can count on them to be thrifty and conservative with money.  Improvisers are totally in the here and now.  They will spend money to enjoy an experience.  They want results now and will spend to get that result.

     Couples can make a choice as to how they will approach their money matters.  They could either stay in a power struggle or choose to work towards understanding, balance, and cooperation.  Firstly, they need to work toward understanding and accepting their two different money realities. With that understanding and acceptance in place, they can more easily practice good listening, compromising and effective problem solving and resolution.