Business and life coaches always talk about creating a vision. They may have you see yourself making the money you want to make, buying the house you want to buy or being the weight you want to be. The reason that coaches insist on people making a vision is because it works- it works because people act in ways that reflect how they are thinking, imagining and believing. If you visualize success, it is far more likely that you will act in ways that will meet your true goals and achieve what you want. There is no difference in the relationship area. As you visualize and focus on what you want in your relationship, you set interpersonal processes in motion that often seemingly miraculously shift relationships to a better place. I have found very useful tips for relationship visions that will greatly, and I mean greatly, increase the probability that you will have more relationship fulfillment.
Tips for creating a powerful and effective relationship vision:
1) Look towards yourself first and foremost. Ask yourself how you can act differently towards your intimate partner that will feed her emotionally.
2) See yourself in the very near future acting in those ways consistently. See yourself acting in the new ways and sticking with it even as your partner may not respond ideally (at first).
3) As you see yourself acting in these new ways consistently and persistently, see your partner responding in more gratifying ways towards you. (Note from me- I wrote # 2 and # 3 because in real life, you may not immediately get a better response when you change your behavior to something better. By imagining both you being persistent and then seeing your partner responding in ways you want (eventually), it gives you motivation to keep trying with the positive expectancy of eventual reward).
4) Include positive perceptions of your partner as part of your relationship vision. See her (or him) in the absolute best possible light. Reframe her negative behavior in the most benign way; for example- if she has been hostile, see her as someone who is having trouble handling her hurt and disappointment as opposed to being a cruel person. Having these consistent positive perceptions is a key part of your relationship vision.
5) Ask yourself what is important to you so that you can feel nourished in your relationship. See it happening. Enjoy it and fill in all the pleasurable details. Doubt and cynicism is human because we give so much power to our history. Let the doubt and cynicism be (don’t try to eliminate these feelings) and focus on the things you do want.
6) I cannot say this enough! Give power to your imagination and focus on how you would like you and your relationship to be. Dwelling on doubt and cynicism gives power to your history. You and your partner are more than what you have manifested in your history.
7) Have an adventurous, open approach to your relationship future.
Here is my relationship vision for 2012:
I see myself practicing more relaxation and behaviors that help me be more peaceful and loving such as meditation as well as some other relaxation processes. I can see and feel me focusing on all the wonderful attributes of my wife. I see how she shows her love to me and the children and all the other many wonderful things about her. I accept the things about her that evoke irritation and understand that I do not need to focus on those things (as I have done too much of in the past). I see myself consistently slowing down and paying attention to her; getting curious about her. I see myself going up the stairs nightly and sitting down with her asking questions about her that are meaningful to her. (I will leave out some details here but it is absolutely acceptable to have visions about the sexual aspects of your relationship). I continue taking salsa and other ballroom dance lessons with her and see myself practicing with her between classes as we laugh and totally enjoy the process. I see her being supportive and affectionate with me. I see her smiling lovingly at me and both of us exchanging endearing texts from time to time during our work days. Lastly, I see myself focusing on this vision daily as part of my meditation.. Of course, like in any visualization, it is a dynamic, changing process and your vision and mine will evolve through time.
As I wrote in a previous newsletter, the brain has plasticity. New neuronal connections can be made and these changes start with our imagination and creativity. Intimate relationships provide one of the best opportunities for this kind of psychological and emotional development (that coincides with the neuron changes in our brain). The reason intimate relationships are such powerful vehicles for our growth is that partners fulfill such important real as well as symbolic needs for us. As our relationship heals, so do we; as we heal, so do our relationships. Creating a relationship vision and giving it your consistent attention is fuel for the engine of this incredible vehicle of growth we call relationship. Create a vision, apply it and then give me some feedback as 2012 rolls on. I expect to hear some great things!
Tags: communication, Dr. Drew, Dynamic Speaker, healing from infidelity, Huntington Beach, increasing passion, Keynote speaker, Low sexual desire, marriage, Marriage Counseling, marriage improvement, marriage tips, Orange County, Relationship seminars, Sex, Sex Therapy, Successful Marriages, The Long Hot Marriage, Todd Creager, Todd Creager Center for Successful Relationships
I am doing a free teleseminar today(Monday, Oct. 3rd at 4:15 PM Pacific time) titled- The Secrets of a Long, Hot Marriage which are some of my important points I make in my book, “The Long, Hot Marriage. This 1 hour teleseminar is sure to change how you look at yourself and your partner (and relationship) forever. Things begin to make sense and you will have ideas and options to improve your life that you never thought possible.
The details are below.
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Tags: cheating in marriage, communication, Dr. Drew, Dr. Phil, Dynamic Speaker, feeling closer to my husband, healing from infidelity, Huntington Beach, increasing passion, Infidelity, Internet porn, Keynote speaker, Low sexual desire, marriage, Marriage Counseling, marriage improvement, marriage tips, Orange County, passion, Premarital counseling, Relationship seminars, revive passion, Sex, Sex addiction, Sex Therapy, sexblog, Successful Marriages, The Long Hot Marriage, Todd Creager, Todd Creager Center for Successful Relationships
I have been teaching grad students at the USC School of Social Work and truth be told- I am learning as much as the students to whom I am lecturing. We cover a lot of area is in this class and even though I have a lot of preparation to do, I am having a great time with it. One of the subject areas I have been learning about and teaching is the neuroscience of psychotherapy. It is a fascinating subject.
We basically have 3 brains- the lower or reptilian brain which is responsible for many of our autonomic responses such as heartbeat and respiration, the limbic brain which is called the home of the emotions (a part of the limbic system, the hippocampus, is associated with long-term memory) and the neocortex, which is used for higher level thinking. Also, we have the left hemisphere and right hemisphere of the brain. The left hemisphere processes information from part to whole. It takes pieces, lines them up, and arranges them in a logical order; then it draws conclusions. The right hemisphere processes from whole to parts, holistically. It starts with the answer. It sees the big picture first, not the details. The brain is far more complicated than this because different parts of each of the brains are responsible for different functions.
We are born with one hundred billions neurons and they form connections with each other to form a seemingly infinite number of possible connections. Some neurons fire with each other; some don’t. If there is some trauma that a person experiences, it disrupts the connections. People that have defense mechanisms such as denial or repression have some disrupted connections in their neural network as a coping mechanism. A simplified example is that with trauma, some of the connections from the cortex to the hippocampus (which as I mentioned is responsible for long-term memory) can stop firing which may lead to repression of the memories of the painful event. The neural connections actually work with each other in a way to protect you from trauma and pain!
Now, here is the great news! You have the capacity to increase and enhance your neural connections; ultimately changing your brain. Successful therapy does exactly this. Good parenting does this. When you’re in relationship with someone who is emotionally attuned to you, you have the optimal environment for increased neural connections. If you leave your comfort zone and experiment with new healthy behaviors, you can change your brain. (For example, the person who is sexually inhibited who allows herself to “pretend to be more sexual” could actually establish more neural connections and incorporate her sexuality into her self concept). Thus what seemed fake can begin to feel real and genuine.
I was excited to discover that new research is substantiating that change does happen and that successful therapy can actually have physiological effects. New brain testing has opened the door to demonstrate the correlation between psychological and brain changes. When a client in therapy suddenly remembers a previously repressed memory that leads to increased psychological health, we now understand that the safe relationship between therapist and client allowed new neural connections (such as between the cortex and the hippocampus) to develop.
So there you have it- you are dynamic, ever-changing and with the right environment, have the ability to increase your psychological wellbeing. There is truly a close relationship between nature and nurture. The brain, one of the major organs of the human body is a physical structure, but is truly shaped by early relationships. Through one’s lifespan, a person can overcome at least some of his early conditioning because of this wonderful plasticity of the brain.
Tags: brain, change, Marriage Therapy, mind-body, nature vs. nurture, neurons, Orange County, self improvement, Sex Therapy, therapy, Todd Creager, Todd Creager Center for Successful Relationships
Above is a video I recently came across on the many struggles boys and men face in society and how they are reacting to it. Psychologist Philip Zimbardo asks, “Why are boys struggling?” He shares some stats (lower graduation rates, greater worries about intimacy and relationships) and suggests a few reasons — and he asks for your help! As a sex therapist, I have seen first hand some of the issues Zimbardo discusses in this video concerning arousal addiction and intimacy problems. It is a worthwhile video to watch and it will give you a glimpse of some of the stresses men face in our society.
Tags: arousal addiction, intimacy problems, philip zimbardo, relationships, TED, TED talks, zimbardo
Life is challenging and everyone is saying it these days. The economy has just added to a myriad of stresses that people are dealing with. I saw numerous couples just today alone whose relationships have become too mundane and serious. Of course, there are problems and I would be the last person to make light of the pains and frustrations that come our way. I spend much of my work time helping individuals and couples deal with these challenges more constructively.
However, an often neglected skill or habit that needs to be developed is the ability to put aside our troubles and metaphorically defy the emotional gravity that we sometimes run into in our lives. You are more than your problems and your pain and they surely don’t have to define you and your behavior. You can break free of reacting to the less than wonderful circumstances you may be in.
If you find yourself in a worried or serious state of mind, how about trying this little exercise to shed some of the heaviness and experience your “wild self.” Say to yourself, “No matter how dire my circumstances are, for the next few moments, I am going to act like I am carefree.” That’s right, for the next few moments allow yourself to be frivolous and non-productive. Out of the hundreds of people I have asked to do this exercise, not one has had a calamity because of a few minutes of taking their eyes off their problems and “pretending” that everything was alright. After giving yourself permission for the next few minutes to be “wild, crazy and reckless” and defy your “problems,” do one of the following or make up your own activity.
Ways you can enjoy your “wild self”:
1) Skip with as much energy as you can, leaping in the air as your legs permit and swinging your arms forward and backward
2) Sing loudly
3) Play songs on your musical instrument or pretend to play one if you don’t know
how
4) Invite your partner to dance on your living room floor
5) Shoot some baskets at your gym or local playground
6) Play a game of charades with your family
7) Fake laughing (try it even if it seems weird to do so)
Whatever action you take, allow it to lift you past your mood. Experience your own ability to redefine who you are. Don’t let your circumstances define you. Of course, face reality and do whatever you need to do to take care of business, but that does not mean
24/7. As a matter of fact, you will probably be far more effective if you experience some blood and life energy coursing through you. You will be more alive, more creative and more attractive from the inside out. Just as important, play helps you stay in the present
moment.
In the play “Wicked,” the star character who is the Wicked Witch of the West (or is it East, I think it is West), is most definitely in dire circumstances towards the end of the play. She breaks into a song titled, “Defying Gravity.” She is able to use her powers and
fly on her broomstick as well as summon her courage to better deal with the challenges that await her. Let’s face it; life is an adventure and there are many twists and turns. Remember you have the power to defy gravity so that you can enjoy your life more and go through the twists and turns with more poise and balance.
How did this exercise work for you? Share your experience or advice in a comment below or on the Todd Creager Center for Successful Relationships Facebook Page!
Tags: balance, finding balance, finding inner peace, happiness, mental health, peace
I run into some of the best advice in 140 characters or less on Twitter all the time. Here is my top ten list of advice, quotes and tips from some of my favorite relationship experts this week:
1. Don’t assume that you understand your husband. When he speaks, really listen, ask a question or two. -@GenerousWife
2. Never threaten divorce, whether you mean it or not. Don’t even use the word. There are other ways to get his/her attention. -@marriagetoday
3. Take personal responsibility for your own failures. Passing the buck doesn’t help your marriage. - @mrgwrks
4. Happily married couples behave like good friends. -@GottmanInst
5. Don’t underestimate the power of unresolved resentment. Work through it if possible. -@LisaKiftTherapy
6. Decide to have a marriage your kids will wish they will have someday too. -@couplethings
7. Discovering your personal responsibility in conflict creates new opportunity for growth. -@toddsandel
8. Happy marriages begin when we marry the one we love, and they blossom when we love the one we married. -@marriagedotcom
9. Choosing to have a good marriage will change things. Start by choosing to be a great spouse! -@themarriagebed
10. Being awake means that the best time of your life is neither behind you nor ahead of you but now. -@DeepakChopra
Of course, you can always catch more good relationship tweets from my own Twitter page at www.twitter.com/toddcreager! Have a great weekend!
Where is the compassionate part of me?
It’s easy to get caught up in your inner “parts”, your instinctive emotional responses, when talking with your partner. This video discusses what to do to reach that compassionate part of yourself in order to shift patterns and open dialogue between you and a loved one.
I was sitting at my oldest daughter’s high school graduation being the proud dad. She had a great public school career and now was headed to UCLA (I went to USC and my wife went to UCLA so I am now outnumbered in my nuclear family; but it is all good!). Then I started thinking of how fast time has flown by- I suddenly was back at Los Caballeros Sports Club in Fountain Valley, holding my firstborn daughter in my arms when she was six months old. A woman interrupted my gazing into her eyes saying how wonderful it was to see a dad’s love for his child like that. I thanked her. Then my mind came back to seeing my daughter hugging her peers at the football field. They had all graduated. Does time fly and every moment is precious!
Letting go of fear
So much of our suffering comes from not living in the present. When we are not living in the present, we are not “experiencing” life as precious. Anxiety has to do with anticipating a future moment that turns out unlike the way we would like and then resisting that future experience in our minds and bodies. We are basically fighting against a future moment that has not taken place.
I remember working with a past client who had a terminal condition called pulmonary thrombosis. She was nearing the last part of her illness knowing that she will eventually die from not being able to breathe. That would be a scary thought for anyone and her high anxiety made sense. However, here it was on a weekday afternoon, she had her sister by her side, her husband and even the caring hospice worker. And, of course, there was me doing a home visit- her therapist who also cared a great deal for her. She looked at me and told me how scared she was about when and how she will die. I told her that I understood totally and listened some more about her fear and anxiety. Then I said, “Look around your bedroom and see the eight loving eyes looking at you and sending you love. Are you experiencing that love?” She said, “No, I am feeling my terror about dying.” I then asked her to focus and pay attention to the loving energy she was receiving and just allow the love to come into her body and give the anxiety a rest for a few moments. She did that and a soft smile came on her face and she said she was feeling it (the love). She had a peaceful expression on her face.
I told her that we are all going to die some day and that even though it appears that her death was probably closer than any of ours. That like us, she should treat her life moments as precious and use the idea of the finiteness of her life as motivation to feel more love than she ever allowed herself to feel. I asked her to practice staying in the present. She did. She felt fear of course; however, there were more moments of living in the present and when she took those breaks from worry and anxiety she enjoyed her life.
Enjoying her life did not make death come any quicker. Who knows if it may have delayed death to some degree. She had more of those pleasurable moments as time went on despite being closer to her death. If she could do that under her circumstances, we all can learn to live more in the present, even if some things in our future may not go our way.
Learning to live in your relationship’s present
In the realm of relationships, living in the present is also a crucial habit to develop. Anyone in a long-term relationship has experienced being hurt by something the partner did (or didn’t do) or said (or didn’t say). We need to deal with our feelings about the past that we are still experiencing. That is a necessary communication habit to have.
However, discussing our current feelings about the past is different than “living in the past.” Living in the past is a commitment to being stuck- locking in our negative perceptions of our partner or ourselves. Living in the present allows for new positive patterns to emerge. Living in the present allows us to have a fresh start and to reach our relationship potential. Forgiveness, for example, allows oneself to live in the present rather than the past. It frees up the “forgiver” so that more life energy can be used in the here and now rather than be expended on past experiences, habits and perceptions.
Also, living in the present allows for more healthy risk-taking in all areas of life including in one’s relationship. Living in the present allows one to “go out on a limb” and share a vulnerable part of oneself with a partner. It allows a person to do something new and exciting with a partner, plan a different kind of date, try a different sexual approach or behavior, etc. This would be quite different from the partner who is playing it safe because he doesn’t want to make a mistake, displease his partner or be rejected.
Living in the present allows us to have more spring in our step, to take more initiative and to be more alive. I play better softball when I am practicing living in the present. I go after balls more aggressively, enjoying the process, rather than holding back in case I make an error. It is far more fun to play with reckless abandon than to try to avoid failure. Whether it is relationships, play, work or life in general, it is far more fulfilling to live in the present. Living in the present alleviates anxiety and opens us up to being more “present” in our lives and with each other.
How do you live in the present in life, love or work? Share your advice in a comment below or on the Todd Creager Center for Successful Relationships Facebook Page!
Tags: Anger management, Dr. Drew, Dr. Phil, Dynamic Speaker, healing from infidelity, health, Huntington Beach, Keynote speaker, Marriage Counseling, Orange County, Sex Therapy, stress management, Successful Marriages, The Long Hot Marriage, Todd Creager, Todd Creager Center for Successful Relationships
I am just starting a group to help you be more alive, more fulfilled and more at peace with yourself. This is an ongoing group that people will commit to for a minimum of 12 weeks and if they choose can renew for another 12 weeks. People do not have to start all at the same time so the group will change, members will come and go but in the process each member learns not only from me, but learns and gets inspired by the improvements in fellow group members who are at various stages of the group process.
This group will be exciting, fun, caring, challenging and life changing!
You will have at least one home assignment every week that is not necessarily time consuming but will forward you on your path of growth and joy. We meet in my office so there is a maximum of seven people allowed into the group at any one time and as soon as I get as little as two people we will be starting our sessions. So, get in on the ground floor of this phenomenal experience!
You may know me as a couples specialist, but I also work with individuals because if individuals are not reaching their potential, it affects all their relationships. This group is for individuals whether they are currently in a relationship or not.
Cost is $595 for the 12 week group process. This is a great value for what you get in return.
Call me at (714) 848-2288 or e-mail me at todd@toddcreager.com to ask questions or sign up.
Tags: Anger management, group therapy, happiness, health, Huntington Beach, joy, Orange County, passion, relaxation, Sex, stress management, The Long Hot Marriage, Todd Creager, Todd Creager Center for Successful Relationships
You know I spend much of my time hearing about other’s inner world, yet I am relatively open about my own life, with its challenges and triumphs. Even in my book, “The Long, Hot Marriage,” I share relevant information about my own growth process. However, Allana Pratt has a way of getting me to say things I’ve never told anyone else, about intimacy, about relationships, and about what really matters.
Allana is the Intimacy & Relationship Expert who coached Leeza through Dancing with the Stars, as well as many other stars.
She’ll be interviewing me on JUNE 9TH at 4 p.m. PST for her upcoming “Intimate Conversations” call series. As I alluded to, you never know what she will ask of me both as a professional and as a husband.
You can register for free here: http://tinyurl.com/toddguest
I’ll be joined by amazing folks from all walks of life who will be getting “Intimate” with Allana too.
I accepted the interview because she’s one of the most classy, intelligent, heartfelt, sexy and hysterical women I know. I always feel a foot taller after talking with her. She has this special energy that truly inspires people. And did I mention sexier…
On my call, she’s going to get me to reveal my most intimate secrets, like:
· What I truly value and desire in a profound intimate connection
· Where I struggle, what sabotages me from having deep delicious intimacy
· How I’ve been able to shift this for myself and my clients
· And how profound intimacy has affected my success, confidence and abundance
Sign up now for the entire “Intimate Conversations” call series for FREE (which started May 26th) and ask your burning question you’ve ALWAYS wanted to ask me, or ask Allana!
“Intimate Conversations” is a FREE, LIVE event to empower your relationships to thrive, your families to flourish and will have you oozing confidence from the boardroom to the bedroom. You won’t want to miss it. Oh… and I almost forgot… you MUST be on the call to hear the special coupon code for the Free download of this exclusive event!
So register NOW and don’t miss my interview on Thursday June 9 at 4 p.m. PST.
Tags: Allana Pratt, couples workshop, interview, Intimate Conversations, marriage, relationships
