I was sitting at my oldest daughter’s high school graduation being the proud dad. She had a great public school career and now was headed to UCLA (I went to USC and my wife went to UCLA so I am now outnumbered in my nuclear family; but it is all good!). Then I started thinking of how fast time has flown by- I suddenly was back at Los Caballeros Sports Club in Fountain Valley, holding my firstborn daughter in my arms when she was six months old. A woman interrupted my gazing into her eyes saying how wonderful it was to see a dad’s love for his child like that. I thanked her. Then my mind came back to seeing my daughter hugging her peers at the football field. They had all graduated. Does time fly and every moment is precious!
Letting go of fear
So much of our suffering comes from not living in the present. When we are not living in the present, we are not “experiencing” life as precious. Anxiety has to do with anticipating a future moment that turns out unlike the way we would like and then resisting that future experience in our minds and bodies. We are basically fighting against a future moment that has not taken place.
I remember working with a past client who had a terminal condition called pulmonary thrombosis. She was nearing the last part of her illness knowing that she will eventually die from not being able to breathe. That would be a scary thought for anyone and her high anxiety made sense. However, here it was on a weekday afternoon, she had her sister by her side, her husband and even the caring hospice worker. And, of course, there was me doing a home visit- her therapist who also cared a great deal for her. She looked at me and told me how scared she was about when and how she will die. I told her that I understood totally and listened some more about her fear and anxiety. Then I said, “Look around your bedroom and see the eight loving eyes looking at you and sending you love. Are you experiencing that love?” She said, “No, I am feeling my terror about dying.” I then asked her to focus and pay attention to the loving energy she was receiving and just allow the love to come into her body and give the anxiety a rest for a few moments. She did that and a soft smile came on her face and she said she was feeling it (the love). She had a peaceful expression on her face.
I told her that we are all going to die some day and that even though it appears that her death was probably closer than any of ours. That like us, she should treat her life moments as precious and use the idea of the finiteness of her life as motivation to feel more love than she ever allowed herself to feel. I asked her to practice staying in the present. She did. She felt fear of course; however, there were more moments of living in the present and when she took those breaks from worry and anxiety she enjoyed her life.
Enjoying her life did not make death come any quicker. Who knows if it may have delayed death to some degree. She had more of those pleasurable moments as time went on despite being closer to her death. If she could do that under her circumstances, we all can learn to live more in the present, even if some things in our future may not go our way.
Learning to live in your relationship’s present
In the realm of relationships, living in the present is also a crucial habit to develop. Anyone in a long-term relationship has experienced being hurt by something the partner did (or didn’t do) or said (or didn’t say). We need to deal with our feelings about the past that we are still experiencing. That is a necessary communication habit to have.
However, discussing our current feelings about the past is different than “living in the past.” Living in the past is a commitment to being stuck- locking in our negative perceptions of our partner or ourselves. Living in the present allows for new positive patterns to emerge. Living in the present allows us to have a fresh start and to reach our relationship potential. Forgiveness, for example, allows oneself to live in the present rather than the past. It frees up the “forgiver” so that more life energy can be used in the here and now rather than be expended on past experiences, habits and perceptions.
Also, living in the present allows for more healthy risk-taking in all areas of life including in one’s relationship. Living in the present allows one to “go out on a limb” and share a vulnerable part of oneself with a partner. It allows a person to do something new and exciting with a partner, plan a different kind of date, try a different sexual approach or behavior, etc. This would be quite different from the partner who is playing it safe because he doesn’t want to make a mistake, displease his partner or be rejected.
Living in the present allows us to have more spring in our step, to take more initiative and to be more alive. I play better softball when I am practicing living in the present. I go after balls more aggressively, enjoying the process, rather than holding back in case I make an error. It is far more fun to play with reckless abandon than to try to avoid failure. Whether it is relationships, play, work or life in general, it is far more fulfilling to live in the present. Living in the present alleviates anxiety and opens us up to being more “present” in our lives and with each other.
How do you live in the present in life, love or work? Share your advice in a comment below or on the Todd Creager Center for Successful Relationships Facebook Page!
Tags: Anger management, Dr. Drew, Dr. Phil, Dynamic Speaker, healing from infidelity, health, Huntington Beach, Keynote speaker, Marriage Counseling, Orange County, Sex Therapy, stress management, Successful Marriages, The Long Hot Marriage, Todd Creager, Todd Creager Center for Successful Relationships
I am just starting a group to help you be more alive, more fulfilled and more at peace with yourself. This is an ongoing group that people will commit to for a minimum of 12 weeks and if they choose can renew for another 12 weeks. People do not have to start all at the same time so the group will change, members will come and go but in the process each member learns not only from me, but learns and gets inspired by the improvements in fellow group members who are at various stages of the group process.
This group will be exciting, fun, caring, challenging and life changing!
You will have at least one home assignment every week that is not necessarily time consuming but will forward you on your path of growth and joy. We meet in my office so there is a maximum of seven people allowed into the group at any one time and as soon as I get as little as two people we will be starting our sessions. So, get in on the ground floor of this phenomenal experience!
You may know me as a couples specialist, but I also work with individuals because if individuals are not reaching their potential, it affects all their relationships. This group is for individuals whether they are currently in a relationship or not.
Cost is $595 for the 12 week group process. This is a great value for what you get in return.
Call me at (714) 848-2288 or e-mail me at todd@toddcreager.com to ask questions or sign up.
Tags: Anger management, group therapy, happiness, health, Huntington Beach, joy, Orange County, passion, relaxation, Sex, stress management, The Long Hot Marriage, Todd Creager, Todd Creager Center for Successful Relationships
You know I spend much of my time hearing about other’s inner world, yet I am relatively open about my own life, with its challenges and triumphs. Even in my book, “The Long, Hot Marriage,” I share relevant information about my own growth process. However, Allana Pratt has a way of getting me to say things I’ve never told anyone else, about intimacy, about relationships, and about what really matters.
Allana is the Intimacy & Relationship Expert who coached Leeza through Dancing with the Stars, as well as many other stars.
She’ll be interviewing me on JUNE 9TH at 4 p.m. PST for her upcoming “Intimate Conversations” call series. As I alluded to, you never know what she will ask of me both as a professional and as a husband.
You can register for free here: http://tinyurl.com/toddguest
I’ll be joined by amazing folks from all walks of life who will be getting “Intimate” with Allana too.
I accepted the interview because she’s one of the most classy, intelligent, heartfelt, sexy and hysterical women I know. I always feel a foot taller after talking with her. She has this special energy that truly inspires people. And did I mention sexier…
On my call, she’s going to get me to reveal my most intimate secrets, like:
· What I truly value and desire in a profound intimate connection
· Where I struggle, what sabotages me from having deep delicious intimacy
· How I’ve been able to shift this for myself and my clients
· And how profound intimacy has affected my success, confidence and abundance
Sign up now for the entire “Intimate Conversations” call series for FREE (which started May 26th) and ask your burning question you’ve ALWAYS wanted to ask me, or ask Allana!
“Intimate Conversations” is a FREE, LIVE event to empower your relationships to thrive, your families to flourish and will have you oozing confidence from the boardroom to the bedroom. You won’t want to miss it. Oh… and I almost forgot… you MUST be on the call to hear the special coupon code for the Free download of this exclusive event!
So register NOW and don’t miss my interview on Thursday June 9 at 4 p.m. PST.
Tags: Allana Pratt, couples workshop, interview, Intimate Conversations, marriage, relationships
My oldest daughter is finishing out her senior year in high school. She did very well academically, scored high on the SAT’s and did dancing as well as other activities for her extracurricular activities. Given all that, she got into many colleges and had the great problem of having to choose which great learning institution she would be attending over the next four years. It was a very difficult choice for her; public vs. private; smaller vs. larger; a place geographically closer to her boyfriend vs. a place close to home in an area she loved to be in; the one that had the better dance department vs. the one that had the better cognitive sciences department. I have not listed all the variables but as you can see, there was a lot to look at and think about. With a week to go before the final deadline, she was down to three schools. Two days later, it was down to two schools. With a day to go before the final weekend of having to make up her mind, she was still down to two schools! She had to make a commitment.
My wife and I kept saying to go to her heart; that she had collected all the information her wonderful mind could handle about the schools and now she needed to take that leap. Taking the leap required giving something up; in this case either go to a larger school that was in an area where she would love to be and had a lot of exciting possibilities or go to a smaller school with smaller classes, more personal attention and in the same city as her boyfriend. She made her decision at the midnight hour: go to the school in the area she preferred with many exciting possibilities.
Benefits of Commitment
She had to give something up to get what she wanted. That is what commitment is about. We all have a variety of “wants” that often conflict with each other. We need to decide what our most important wants are, and be willing to give up some or all of the other wants (if they are conflicting). People who insist on having it all have a difficult time making a commitment. The problem with these commitment-phobic people is that they lose out on the benefits of commitment. When a person commits to a college, career or health and exercise regime that person gets major benefits. Commitment to schooling leads to more options and increase one’s chances of success. Commitment to career increases the chance of getting promotions and being upwardly mobile. Commitment to a health and exercise regime can lead to health benefits which can lead to freedom to do more activities one loves even later in life. Those that commit to any of these things I mentioned have to give something up. But what they give up pales in comparison to what they get in return.
Commitment in Relationships
Commitment in relationships is no different. My family attended a wonderful wedding yesterday. The bride and groom committed to (I’m paraphrasing here) loving each other through thick and thin. That is one heck of a commitment! They are wonderful people, both of them, but in a relationship there will always be tests that challenge how committed we really are to love through thick and thin. It requires giving up our egocentrism and our self-centeredness. That is difficult when we are hardwired to survive and take care of ourselves. Sure, it is easy to treat our partners wonderful in the beginning. However, to continue to love our partners as time goes on, through thick and thin, requires effort and a continual giving up doing what is immediately comfortable or what will immediately reduce our own tension.
Anyone who has read my articles probably has seen me write about the importance of developing emotional muscle. Commitment to love through thick and thin is actually a commitment to developing one’s emotional muscle; to love when you want to run; to listen when you want to defend or shut off, to be accepting of your partner’s flaws where it would be easier to be judgmental. Commitment to love is the real commitment. Commitment to stay married is an empty commitment without the commitment to love. Love takes work, love takes giving up one’s egocentrism as I said already.
However, the gifts of committing to love through thick and thin are enormous. They include (and I am sure are not limited to):
- Getting more love and pleasure back from one’s partner
- Developing a depth and strong foundation that fills up each other’s soul
- Having a strong sense of purpose and meaning
- Healthier and happier children as well as children who can continue this commitment to love in their adult lives
- Increased physical health and wellbeing
- Higher self-esteem
Committing to any person or path takes courage. We cannot know the future so we need to step into the unknown and embrace it, make the best choice we can at the time and not look back. Whatever we commit to helps us grow and develop. Anyone can enjoy fleeting moments of pleasure. Happiness is earned by those who commit.
Tags: commitment, communication, feeling closer to my husband, Huntington Beach, increasing passion, Marriage Counseling, marriage improvement, Relationship seminars, Successful Marriages, The Long Hot Marriage, Todd Creager, Todd Creager Center for Successful Relationships
Couples bickers a lot. They don’t even listen all that well to each other. They don’t agree on much and are very different in their likes and dislikes. Does this sound like a good prognosis for a relationship? Maybe…
This couple can be a thriving couple if they are doing what researchers and marriage therapists John and Julie Gottman have discovered what truly makes a happy couple. What the Gottmans have discovered is some clear common attributes of the healthy, happy couple and while I don’t necessarily applaud bickering and do applaud good listening, there are far more significant indicators of what makes a couple tick. Here are three of the main consistent observed patterns of the “happy” couples:
1) They are intimately familiar with each other’s world
They know each other’s likes and dislikes. They remember each other’s significant life events. They know each other’s dreams and aspirations. They know about each other’s challenges growing up as a child. They know each other’s favorite food and music. As John Gottman says, “…these couples have made plenty of cognitive room for their marriage.”
2) They consistently express their fondness and admiration for each other via compliments, words and gestures of appreciation and affection
This is where many couples overlook what I call their “interpersonal power.” I wrote in the second chapter of my book (“Beware of Your Perceptions of Your Partner“) that we need to see the best in our partner and sometimes need to overlook the worst. This does not mean to suppress or push your complaints and feelings under the rug. It means that you cannot live in your negative feelings. Find what you like about your partner and express this positive regard with compliments, appreciative statements and loving affection. Couples who did this consistently could overcome the negative moments and these expressions of fondness and appreciation were great repairing tools for the inevitable pains they and all couples inevitably go through.
3) They consistently turned toward each other rather than away
These patterns were seen in the simple day to day life chores, activities and dialogues. I met Julie Gottman last week at a Couples Conference in Newport Beach and she described a couple they observed where the wife mentioned some pleasant scene she was looking at on the lake (the lab was nicely located right on a lake). The husband responded with a seemingly very interested “Huh!” Even that simple three letter word created a feeling to togetherness. That simple word was an example of him turning towards his wife rather than away. These happy couples could be observed doing chores together, showing interest in what the other was saying, taking walks together and was interested in each others point of view even if different than their own.
In future newsletters, I will follow this theme and write about what couples can do to “beef up” their relationship in these and other key areas that were found to be the difference makers between happy and distressed couples. For more information about The Todd Creager Center for Successful Relationships in Huntington Beach, CA, please visit www.toddcreager.com.
Tags: communication, Dr. Drew, Dr. Phil, Dynamic Speaker, Huntington Beach, increasing passion, Infidelity, Keynote speaker, Low sexual desire, Marriage Counseling, marriage improvement, marriage tips, Oprah, Orange County, passion, Premarital counseling, Relationship seminars, Sex, Sex Therapy, sexblog, Successful Marriages, The Long Hot Marriage, Todd Creager, Todd Creager Center for Successful Relationships
As a marriage and sex therapist for over 28 years, I am clear that the biggest challenge couples face is feeling disconnected from each other. Our parents did not show us how to stay emotionally as well as physically connected through the challenges of a committed relationship. I invite you to a day that will awaken your relationship. If you are feeling lost, this workshop will help you find your way back to each other. If you already feeling connected, this workshop will help you get to that next level of deepening and celebrating each other.
“To love and be loved is the greatest happiness.” -Emerson
At this workshop you will:
· Understand the connection between great communication and fulfilling intimacy.
· Learn the skills and have time to practice healthy communication
· Learn the importance and how to experience ‘feeling loved’ by your partner
· Learn how to use the relationship to experience more inner peace
Based on my book, “The Long, Hot Marriage,” and my experience with thousands of couples, this will be a life-changing/ relationship-changing event!
To register for the event, click here: http://tinyurl.com/3hz5gno
Date and time: May 21st from 9:30 AM – 4:30 PM
Location: South Coast Winery Restaurant (private room)
714-957-1857/ Direct 714-552-5870
3608 South Bristol
South Coast Metro, CA 92704
Cost: $115 per person, which includes the cost of the workshop, three course lunch, snacks, coffee and tea, and workbook.
To register for the event, click here: http://tinyurl.com/3hz5gno
Tags: Couples Workshops, Orange County, workshop
Please join me this Wednesday March 23, 2011 at 5:15 p.m. PST for my free webinar on Great Communication and Great Sex! The webinar is free and listeners will be able to ask questions live. We’ll be talking about building communication skills between partners and revitalizing your sex life!
Event: Great Communication, Great Sex
Date & time: Wednesday, March 23rd at 5:15 p.m. PST
Format: Simulcast! (Attend via Phone or Webcast — it’s your choice)
To join the webinar, click the link below.
Most people are waiting for their partner to be the person they want them to be and they think the only way the marriage will be good is if their partner changes. You have the opportunity to change this and have a great relationship with your partner by first evaluating how you perceive your partner.
How do you perceive your partner? Do you perceive your partner in his/her best? As at their maximum potential? Probably not. Many couples in crisis perceive their partners as what they don’t want or don’t like. They focus on the negative. If you can imagine your partner as your ally and not as your enemy you will be amazed at how your positive perception of your partner as your ally will strengthen your relationship with them.
If you and your partner would benefit from marriage therapy, please visit my website: www.toddcreager.com or call to schedule an appointment: (714) 848-2288 or email me directly at todd@toddcreager.com. My office is located in Hunting Beach, CA.
Tags: effective marriage counseling, marriage improvement, marriage tips, relationship tips, The Long Hot Marriage
Our society runs in fast motion. There is much to do and technology easily eats up whatever time we have when we are done with our to-do list. The straight out truth is this speed is taking a toll on our lives and relationships. I’m one of those people who have much to do and love technology- internet, social networking, my DroidX, etc. However, what easily happens to others, happened to me. I stopped reserving space in my life for slowing down and listening to the “beat of my heart.”
There is much going on “out there” but there also is much going on “in here.” Yes, in my own body and soul, there are feelings, desires, intuitive senses as well as a desire for inner peace. My commitment to myself is to take some time every day to meditate, experience and get to know what I am feeling and release these feelings to experience more inner peace. If I listen to my feelings, I am more likely to be constructive in stressful situations as opposed to engage in some immediate tension-reducing behavior that does not ultimately give me what I want. I invite you to do the same. Constant busy-ness does not bring more meaning and joy to our lives. I am convinced that periodic slowing down to listen to ourselves actually makes us more effective and we get more done.
It reminds me of a client I had that refused to slow down despite the fact that I gave her an assignment to slow down for 10 minutes every day. She claimed that she had no time to slow down for even 10 minutes. One day, her husband showed up to a session without her and I asked where she was. He said that she pulled out her back and had not been able to move out of her bed or do even a bit of work in the last two weeks. She admitted that her back went out because of the constant stress and that taking 10 minutes a day for herself would have interrupted the stress cycle and she would have been for more ahead in her work if she did those 10 minutes a day breaks I asked her to do.
Creating a Receptive State of Mind
Listening to “self” is developing a receptive state of mind. This receptive state of mind allows you to enjoy smelling the roses, hearing birds chirping, tasting delicious food, feeling the gentle wind across your face and seeing a cute baby’s smile. Tuning in your senses reanimates the world around you. It is a more soulful way to live.
As you slow down for periods of the day to experience your own bodily emotions, sensations and desires; you can utilize this same receptive state of mind to become a good listener to others. Most people spend very little time truly listening where the full attention is on the other person, taking in what they are saying, meaning and feeling.
I work with couples every day to develop the skills to be receptive listeners. One of the great joys is to have the experience of being heard even if what needs to be heard are unpleasant, difficult feelings and opinions. I am convinced that most couples waste so much time in the wrong direction; always trying to prove their respective points and push their own agenda. If we put as much effort into slowing down and becoming receptive to the other person, we will have more of what we want from our partner. They might even change their mind and agree with you AFTER AND NOT BEFORE you are receptive to them. Then again, if they still disagree, it might not matter much since you are enjoying the connection with your grateful partner, grateful for your willingness to be receptive and understanding to his or her point of view.
I ask you to commit to a daily dose of slowing down. Do a simple breathing meditation or simply ask yourself what you are feeling right now. Develop a receptive state of mind as you take in the environment through your senses. Lastly, utilize that same receptive state of mind to practice being a truly effective listener to your partner and others and see how quickly your relationships improve.
Tags: Anger management, feeling closer to my husband, health, marriage, Marriage Counseling, marriage improvement, Premarital counseling, relaxation, stress management, Successful Marriages, The Long Hot Marriage, Todd Creager, Todd Creager Center for Successful Relationships
This is an article I wrote two and a half years ago that I wanted to share on this blog as a companion article to the previous blog post “The Key to Healthy Communication- Slow Down!”
Many of our health, interpersonal and other life problems are because of one thing- an unwillingness to experience what one is feeling. We tend to want to control how we feel and we often want to present ourselves to others like we are in control. The paradox I will attempt to convince you of is that the more you try to control your feelings, the more out of control you are. Likewise, the more you allow yourself to experience whatever you are feeling without trying to change or control it, the more in control you are.
A little personal story
I turned 50 last year and decided to not procrastinate and get my colon tested (a little public service announcement: if you are 50 or over and have not had a colonoscopy, please do it). In my case, they found a precancerous polyp and removed it. This is very common and if it is found in time, you will not get colon cancer. Back to my story: they got me all ready for the procedure, hooked me up to an IV and set up the blood pressure and heart monitor and I had to wait until it was my turn. Even though intellectually I knew this was going to be a painless procedure, I must have been nervous because I could hear my heart beating though their monitoring system and it was beating fast. I tried doing all my ticks to relax and the best I could do is slow down my heartbeat for a few seconds, but then it would go right back up.
After about 40 minutes of waiting and hearing my fast heartbeat, I said to myself, “you know, let’s face it- I am just scared.” For the first time since they hooked me up, I stopped trying to change how I felt and just let me experience my fear. An interesting thing happened, my heartbeat SIGNIFICANTLY slowed down. By the time they came in to drug me for the procedure, my heart rate was about at the resting rate.
From my story, you could see how experiencing your feelings no matter how unpleasant can decrease your stress. As soon as I stopped trying to control how I felt, I was more in control. Allow yourself to have and experience your feelings and sensations.
Relationships
As I write about a lot in my book “The Long, Hot Marriage,” most if not all relationship problems come from being disconnected. When you flip on a light switch, you are completing an electric current which then lights up the room. Likewise, when you complete an energy current with your partner, you light up the relationship. The problem is, we often break contact with our partner when either one of us feels negative feelings. We usually do some sort of fight or flight reaction and the reason we do that is because we do not like how we are feeling and we try to change how we are feeling.
If you were to practice feeling your feelings more, you would decrease your reactivity. Developing this habit leads to more effective listening and ultimately to both people feeling closer to each other.
Increased Success in Other Areas of Life
When you put your attention on your body and what you are feeling as opposed to your active mind or superficial self protective reactions, you become more open- more open to people and life in general. People pick up on this non-defensive “vibe” and you become instantly more attractive. Who knows what this increased attractiveness can lead to- a promotion, a new opportunity or possibly other doors opening up in some seemingly miraculous way.
You may think I am overstating these benefits, but experiment yourself. For this moment, give up trying to control or change how you feel and instead feel how you feel. LET YOURSELF JUST BE AND FEEL AS YOU ARE. Notice if you feel better or worse from this conscious action. Experiment with your partner and see how he or she responds to you being more open and vulnerable and less defensive. Notice any other changes that happen in your life.
Leave your feedback in the comments sections below on this article or on any life improvements from applying what this article is suggesting. Take good care.
Tags: communication, health, holisitc health, Marriage Counseling, stress management, Successful Marriages, The Long Hot Marriage, Todd Creager, Todd Creager Center for Successful Relationships
