Speed is important in many sports such as track, football, basketball and car racing. It is important in a variety of work situations, such as a doctor doing emergency surgery when time is of the essence. However, when it comes to relationships, speed is often a hindrance.
Effective communication requires partners to slow down their pace. Most of us have not learned how to communicate effectively, which basically means to express oneself to make it easier for the other to listen and to listen so the other person feels significant and accepted. What usually happens instead is that one person starts to speak and the other internally reacts to what the other is saying and thinks about what he wants to say.
I see couples speaking to each other back and forth at the speed of light, without anyone being receptive to the other. The goal of each partner is to be heard, but the problem is no one is listening; so the back and forth tennis game continues with neither partner experiencing the satisfaction of being heard. There is a cost to listening to the other person during conflict. The cost is that you have to (for the moment) give up trying to be right or understood perfectly correctly or change the other person’s opinion. Our ego does not want to pay this cost. However, the benefits far outweigh the costs.
In one of my past articles, titled “The Amazing Benefits of Feeling Your Feelings,” I talk about an experience I had that as soon as I felt my feelings, I had instant bio-feedback that my pulse slowed down along with feeling calmer. Similarly, when partners of an intimate relationship slow down enough to feel their feelings, they are less likely to react and more likely to “endure” their experience long enough to be better listeners.
Slowing down means letting go of the resistance to what you are experiencing
It means experiencing your tension long enough to make sure the other person “finishes his turn.” Instead, what is far more common are people resisting their internal tension of hearing the other person’s opinions, feelings or negative feedback and the response is some immediate action to reduce the inner tension. These responses include but are not limited to interrupting, yelling, withdrawing and reverse blaming.
Slowing down allows for the person expressing to be vulnerable while the other can listen and even look for agreement
For example, if a wife says, “You haven’t been paying attention to me at all,” the husband can say, “That must be frustrating. I know there are times when I have not been paying attention.” It could be that when she says her complaint, he is thinking of times that he has paid attention. He could have quickly gotten defensive and said, “Not true, just yesterday I paid attention to you when…”
The problem there is you have two people being vulnerable at the same time. One is emoting and speaking about herself and then the other emotes and defends himself. This can become a very quick point/counterpoint kind of exchange that can literally go on for weeks, months, years and even decades with nobody winning. However, the slowed down response where the husband feels his discomfort about her negatively skewed expression and still listens as well as finds a way to agree- leads to listening and a deepening exchange. Enough of those constructive exchanges often leads to major improvements in relationships.
Slowing down allows room for the other person to feel heard
As the listener slows down long enough to feel his feelings and make an empathic, understanding response, the expresser feels that caring and attentiveness and becomes calmer. This can lead to more effective expressing because as the partners slow down and calm down, the right words come out that make it easier to listen effectively.
So, slow it down. Let the facts not be totally correct, hang in there while you are being misperceived and let it be the “expresser’s ” turn. Your turn is coming and it will come quicker if you listen so that the other person can experience the calmer feelings of being understood.
Tags: Anger management, communication, Dr. Drew, Dynamic Speaker, feeling closer to my husband, Huntington Beach, increasing passion, Keynote speaker, Low sexual desire, marriage, Marriage Counseling, marriage improvement, Oprah, Orange County, Premarital counseling, Relationship seminars, Sex, Sex Therapy, sexblog, stop bickering, Stop fighting, stress management, Successful Marriages, The Long Hot Marriage, Todd Creager, Todd Creager Center for Successful Relationships, understanding your mate
On January 29th I will be hosting a “Reenergize Your Relationship” presentation. This presentation is focused on helping you open your mind and heart to enhance your current relationship or preparing for future successful relationships. It is open to all people interested in improving their love lives.
Where: The Learning Center in Irvine, CA
When: January 29, 2011 at 2 p.m.
Cost: $35 per person or $50 per couple
To find out more, click on the title of my presentation below:
If you have any questions or would like to sign up, please call Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT at (714) 848-2288 or e-mail him at todd@toddcreager.com.
Tags: communication, Dr. Drew, Dynamic Speaker, increasing passion, Infidelity, Keynote speaker, Low sexual desire, marriage, Marriage Counseling, marriage improvement, Oprah, Orange County, Relationship seminars, revive passion, Sex, Stop fighting, Successful Marriages, The Long Hot Marriage, Todd Creager, Todd Creager Center for Successful Relationships
You’re having problems with your partner and you feel totally stuck. You have to do something and a friend suggests marriage counseling. Your relationship is so important to you and you want the best possible chance to save your marriage. What makes a good marriage therapist? What should you be looking for to determine if a particular therapist is the right one?
Many therapists say they do marriage therapy and they do. However, working with a couple takes a different set of skills than working with an individual. You want to find out if the therapist truly specializes in couples therapy. I look at ads that therapists place in magazines and the Yellow Pages and will often find someone who lists 10 specialties including marriage counseling. I am suspicious of that; is the therapist someone who wants to get business from all the problem areas or is he really an expert in all those listed types of problems? I can tell you that I have been practicing for 28 years and I would consider myself an expert in only a very few areas and probably competent in a few more. Look for someone who has a true focus in couples issues; someone who has dedicated his or her professional life to help couples.
What To Look For
The prospective marriage counselor needs to give you the best chance of working through difficult challenges. The therapist needs to be able to appreciate marital difficulties and embrace problems. Relationship problems are inevitable and help us grow and develop. Problems are not “bad” and marriages are far from perfect. He needs to be able to stay positive and optimistic even when you are doubtful. Therefore, you might want to ask the prospective marriage counselor her attitude and beliefs toward marriage and marriage problems. Ask her when she believes a person should give up on a marriage and see how you feel about her answer. I don’t believe that all marriages should last, but many serious problems are “invitations to grow up” as opposed to reasons to break up!
I do not believe that a divorced marriage counselor disqualifies the person from being effective but I would want my marriage counselor to have experienced a long term relationship. Think about your current marital issues and see if it matches with the marriage counselor’s life experiences. For example, if I am having co-parenting issues with my spouse, I may want to have a marriage counselor who has been married with children so that he could relate to some of my challenges. You could ask the prospective therapist if he has ever been married, for how long and if he has any children. This, of course, is a gray area and you need to decide what feels right to you.
Lastly, I would ask the prospective counselor if the therapy is at least in part experiential. Effective marriage counseling involves the partners experiencing shifts during the session. Talking to the therapist is necessary to understand the couple and build some rapport. However, there needs to be opportunities for the couple to do the “work” in the session with the therapist observing, commenting and restructuring. Homework assignments are also vitally important. I would definitely ask the prospective counselor if she gives homework so that they can work on the relationship in between sessions.
There are talented and gifted marriage counselors and by asking the right questions and using discrimination, you have a higher chance at finding one of those talented professionals. Your relationship is valuable; treat it as such and find the qualified person you want when you need assistance.
Tags: effective marriage counseling, how to find a therapist, marriage, marriage advice, Marriage Counseling, Successful Marriages, therapy, what to look for in a marriage therapist
For years, my friend who lives in Israel asked me to get Skype and I didn’t. When I did get a Skype account in the late spring of 2010, I could have kicked myself for waiting so long. It was great seeing my friend and his wife. My wife and I have talked to them multiple times since then and not only is it free, it is great to be able to see our good friends who are halfway around the world whenever we are all near a computer.
Then, when I got a referral from a therapist for an out of area couple to do phone therapy, I had a novel idea; at least for me. What about Skype?! Little did I know that this was not a Todd Creager original idea! When we did the initial phone therapy, I asked if they wanted to Skype. Their daughter had a Skype account so they used her account for our second “visit,” and by our third visit, they had their own account.
Face to face visits have been the traditional way to do therapy, but these days, virtual therapy is becoming more common. As far as I know, at present, insurance companies do not cover anything but actual office visits. However, many people either do not have insurance for mental health or choose not to use it. So the real question is: Is phone or Skype therapy effective and has it been effective for me with this couple and now a 2nd couple that I am “Skyping” with?
I have done phone therapy and coaching increasingly more over the last five years. Currently, I am working with an agoraphobic client (someone who has anxiety issues) by phone and working with her to be able to drive the 25 minutes it takes to get to my office. I have done life and business coaching by phone. I even have done couples therapy by phone. Parents sometimes have babysitting emergencies and rather than miss an appointment, we do it by phone.
With increased business travel, clients have found phone therapy a way to stay consistent with their therapy and can continue their investment in their emotional wellbeing from a distance. I have found phone therapy to be very effective. There is much I pick up by the voice tones, inflections and of course words. Couples even report a benefit that doing the work from the comfort of their own home can be powerful in its own way. When I have them try a new way of speaking to each other from the very part of the house that they have reacted and had escalated conflict in the past, it can be a positive anchor for new, improved behavior patterns. When I did an initial phone therapy visit with what turned out to be my first Skype couple over the summer, we made a positive therapeutic connection that paved the way for their relationship work in subsequent sessions.
The Disadvantages of Phone Therapy
There is a disadvantage to phone therapy especially when working with couples. There are many visual cues that help me as a therapist tune in to what is going on. As much as I have worked on honing my phone counseling skills, I cannot see a partner pull back physically after an emotional button has been pushed. In phone therapy, I may hear silence; face to face, I might see the body language of a silent partner as a “loud” expression of anger, hurt or fear. Coaching is often more goal oriented and seeing the individual is probably less important than in therapy when the emotions of the client are paramount. (I believe that there is often a coaching dimension in therapy but goals are not always the focus; healing is as important as reaching goals in therapy.) This makes it a little less advantageous to cut out the visual dimension of assessing clients as well as having the client see the therapist. There are more possibilities for a healing connection between client and therapist if there are visual cues and eye contact.
Skype Counseling: If face to face therapy is a 10, Skype is a 9.
Skype counseling corrects this sensory deficit. When I saw my first Skype couple for the first time on my computer screen, it was thrilling for me. I was able to see how they were with each other. There was information I picked up from visual cues that helped me understand their “disconnect” and how much pain they were currently in. Clicking on “Full Screen” on the Skype software, my couple took up the whole screen and my experience of them seemed as therapeutically effective as them being right with me in my office. They could also see my visual cues. They could see me smile warmly and encouragingly with them as well as my look of empathy and curiosity as they spoke. I had them do exercises just as I would in my office. I would see their disconnected posture and ask them to shift to more open postures with each other. I would not have been able to work on this level by phone. I have had a similar positive experience with the other couple I have Skyped with.
Face to face counseling is most definitely the full package; you get the visual, auditory and kinesthetic senses working together. (The olfactory sense is not usually that important; of course clients don’t have to shower after working out if we are doing phone or Skype therapy!) Despite the fact that face to face has the most potential for impactful and helpful therapy; I have found that I have been able to work with the three main sense modalities just as well with Skype. If face to face therapy is a 10, Skype is a 9. Since we lose the visual cues in phone therapy, it may only be a 7 in terms of potential for a full therapy experience. However, good phone therapy with an effective therapist is definitely preferred over mediocre therapy with a professional in person.
Personally, I plan to continue doing more phone therapy and I am guessing even more therapy via Skype. Besides the fact that you can see each other, Skype is free and signing up for Skype could not be easier. All three modalities, in person, phone and Skype can be effective and for me, not only do I enjoy the variety, I understand that different people have different preferences. My main interest is helping individuals and couples lead happier, more fulfilling lives and however they want counseling delivered, it needs to be delivered with understanding and support with the right amount of loving confrontation.
You can find me on Skype under “todd.creager”
Tags: counseling via skype, marriage improvement, phone therapy, skype, virtual counseling, virtual therapy
When individuals or couples come in to see me, they are dissatisfied with something in their lives. Part of my job is to help them see how they got to where they are and usually they need to break some habit that is blocking their happiness or start a new one that will bring more happiness. However, of those two processes, I am significantly more biased towards focusing on starting a new good habit as opposed to working hard to get rid of the old one.
Example: A couple comes in and the presenting the problem of “failure to communicate.” Both complain about how the other interrupts. The husband eventually raises his voice; the wife withdraws and avoids him for at least 24 hours. These behaviors are habits that are designed to protect oneself in some way.
In this example, each person could be interrupting the other to protect themselves from feeling inadequate, ashamed or judged. The husband gets angry as a way to manipulate his partner to be nicer to him (of course this doesn’t work- it actually does the opposite), but this too is a protection against some negative experience such as feeling unloved. She withdraws to protect herself from his anger. Maybe she had an abusive father so there is a “little girl part” inside of herself that feels in danger on some level- she is protecting herself for survival.
This is the core of all relationship problems and bad habits- each person is trying to protect him or herself from something whether it is an unpleasant feeling from inside or an imagined “catastrophe” from the outside. (Imagined catastrophes include, but are not limited to: Getting physically hurt, but more commonly- being abandoned, rejected or humiliated in some way).
The partners complain in that first session like they have complained for years or decades in their relationship and of course it does not get them anywhere. In order for the complaining to stop, change HAS to happen. Change does not come easily for two reasons: 1) We all are resistant to change even if ‘not changing’ keeps us miserable and 2) We already have perceptions of ourselves and our partners that are somewhat locked in which adds to our resistance to change.
I have found that the best way to truly have changes is to help couples, as well as individuals, practice new habits in and out of the session. The couple I mentioned needs to practice doing a behavior that feels a little “dangerous” to them. If one partner is expressing a negative feeling towards the other, the listening partner resists the impulse to protect and defend and instead, stays open to the expressing partner. Each partner practices shifting to a receptive state of mind, which involves taking a few breaths and shifting their goals, from the unconscious goal of self protection to the conscious goal of staying open and accepting of the partner.
Staying with this example, each person encourages the new good habits of each other and does not make a big deal of any repeating of the old bad habit. They each work to help each other get back on the courageous and more mature new habits. They understand that old habits don’t just die but will be gradually replaced by increasing the frequency of the new, constructive habit. I applaud the new developing behaviors and quickly block the old patterns to make room for more of the new.
My strong advice to all who read this is to believe in change. Be adventurous, dream and don’t limit yourself or your relationship no matter how long the same old problems are going on. Dare to act differently, think differently and speak differently. You are tremendously creative and are experimenters whether you know that already or not. So, experiment and be open to a new future where your life or relationships looks and feels a lot better in the future.
It does not have to feel familiar to be good. Often the opposite is true. Change involves awkward moments because whenever you are practicing new things, you are not very good at it at first. Allow for the process to unfold and do not let the old habits or doubts get in the way of your creation.
Do you have any examples of changing habits or suggestions on how to make positive changes? Please comment below or tweet me @toddcreager. Thanks for reading!
Tags: bad habits, change, good habits, Marriage Counseling, marriage improvement, marriage tips, Todd Creager Center for Successful Relationships
You meet someone and you fall in love. You and I both know it takes no effort to “fall.” Then you fall out of love which again takes no effort at all. As a matter of fact, it is inevitable for most couples to “fall out of love,” at some point, meaning that at some point this person who once was everything to you is now someone with whom you have ambivalence.
“Is this the right person? Did I make a mistake? Is there someone better out there for me?”
These are normal questions for human beings who desire it all but are married to finite, limited human beings. We both see and project wonderful qualities onto our mate early on. As time goes on, we see the “shadow side” of our partner.
However, if you want to have a long term relationship that works, you need to accept the effort it takes. Is there anything that you have succeeded in your life that did not require some effort?
I was fortunate enough to get on the Fox 5 San Diego Morning News Show last week. I was the relationship expert and the segment was titled- “Should You Treat Your Spouse Like You Treat Your Dog?” I had a great time with it and just as important, I was able to get a message out to many people.
The anchorwoman who interviewed me was very funny and brought her dog on the set so the three of us were on TV together. We talked about how people love their dogs unconditionally throughout their lives and yet, after the honeymoon period ends, we judge our partners and have many conditions in order to show love to our spouse. Also, we pet our dogs throughout their life; yet many partners start out touching their partners but as time goes on, loving touch wanes. It comes automatically to us to unconditionally love our dogs and pet our dogs. Why is it not the same with our mates?
Our mates “push our buttons,” evoke negative feelings, and we have the impulse to fight or flight. When we continue to let our feelings run us and our behavior, we disconnect from our partner little by little. After a while, many couples give very little attention to each other. They may get together once in a while and have sex but they are not feeling close to each other. And often the sex frequency decreases as well.
Here are the two KEYS to creating a joyful, loving relationship:
1) Get conscious! Become aware of your automatic feelings toward your spouse and your automatic behaviors toward your spouse. Even become aware of your automatic ways you perceive your partner.
2) Choose a different thought and/or behavior. Love even when you don’t want to. Remember something wonderful about your mate. Reach out and touch him or her even if you are ambivalent about it. Don’t wait to be “in the mood.” You may have the luxury to act the way you feel with your dog but you don’t have the luxury to act the way you feel with your spouse all the time.
Sometimes you actually have to act contrary to your feeling. If you are angry, of course you can express your anger (constructively). But, you can also feel your anger and be “more than your anger” and act loving. This can stop the typical downward spiral of- I’m angry so I will react to you which will make you angry and react to me which will make me angrier and on and on.
There is no need to wait for your partner to make a positive move first. You could become the one to be conscious. You can be the one to choose your behavior as opposed to react to an internal feeling state. You can be the one to act and speak in ways so that you get more of what you want from your partner. This takes developing the emotional muscle I talk so much about. It takes effort but the rewards are real, tangible and significant.
What are some techniques you use with your partner to maintain your relationships “Puppy Love”? Leave a comment below or tweet @toddcreager!
Tags: advice, conscious, couple, couples, feelings of intimacy, fight, Fox 5, interview, love, marriage, passion, Puppy Love, San Diego Morning News, Sex, The Long Hot Marriage, Todd Creager
Sometimes we need to ask ourselves and our partners one simple question: What is one thing from me that I usually don’t do that would make you feel wonderful? Todd offers his advice on how to better communicate with your partner:
Tags: communication, feeling closer to my husband, increasing passion, love, marriage tips, relationship tips, understanding your mate
WORDS- Self and Other-Talk
What are your automatic negative self statements? What do you say to others that limit your self-perception?
ACTIONS
What behaviors do you do? What is your posture, how do you look at people that contributes to the negative belief?
FEELINGS
What are your automatic ways of feeling?
IMAGES
What mental picture do you hold in your head that reinforce the negative belief?
THOUGHTS
What is your reactive thinking that contributes to the negative belief?
_______________________________
CONSCIOUS WAFIT:
WORDS- Affirmations- first person, present tense; declare it with feeling
ACTIONS- Act- “as if”"; real pretending
FEELINGS- How would I feel if I believed what I wanted to believe?
IMAGES- Positive mental pictures in line with what you want to believe.
THOUGHTS- Intentional constructive thinking
____________________________________________________________
Sum total of automatic WAFIT = negative belief
Sum total of conscious WAFIT=positive belief
Tags: goals, Personal success, professional goals, WAFIT, Worksheet
Working Your “WAFIT” to Become a Success Magnet
What is a “WAFIT?” you may ask?
It is an acronym for Words, Actions, Feelings, Images and Thoughts. What words do you tell yourself throughout the day? Do you tell yourself that you are good enough or inadequate? Do you tell yourself that you can achieve what you want and reach your goals or that you will fail? Your self-talk contributes to how you feel and if you will succeed.
Do you act in ways that demonstrate courage and confidence or fear and insecurity? Do you act in ways that enhance or diminish your self-esteem? What feelings do you carry around in you throughout the day? Do you feel anxious or angry or calm and compassionate? Do you anticipate success or brace for failure? Do you have a vision (image) of reaching your goal; can you picture it? Or do you picture one obstacle after another? What is your mental picture of yourself? Lastly, what thoughts do you focus on-negative or positive?
What I am describing is the five building blocks of a belief. How we “WAFIT” creates the beliefs that we live by.
Let us say that two people each want to start their own business. Person # 1 has constant self-doubt talk; “What makes me think that I can start a business?” Despite his desire to succeed, his self-doubt leads to holding back effective action. He procrastinates. He feels inadequate and frustrated as he anticipates failure. He has automatic images of himself making a fool of himself and not attracting positive attention. He focuses much of his attention on “doom and gloom” thoughts. This is a person who will not attract success. His automatic “WAFIT” creates the belief, “I will fail.”
Person # 2 understands the idea that he needs to pay attention to his internal world as well as do the necessary external things to start his business. He realizes that he has to become aware of his “automatic WAFIT” because there may be elements of his automatic WAFIT that interfere with optimal success. He wants to have the strong belief that he will be a success and have a flourishing, vital and enjoyable business. He can now ask himself what WAFIT will support this belief. His self-talk consists of affirmations of desired outcomes as well as statements that are self-accepting and encouraging. He acts “as if” he already is successful and takes actions that support his high expectations. He allows himself to feel successful and enjoys his positive anticipation of ever increasing wealth, customers and joy. He consciously imagines what success will look like in the upcoming months and years. He pictures satisfied customers and clients and a life balanced with work, family and recreation. He focuses on positive thoughts and acknowledges his negative thoughts but lets them pass through, just like clouds in the sky on a windy day.
You can be like person # 2. As you practice Conscious WAFITing, witness yourself becoming a success magnet- attracting not just material things, but love, friends and health. My next blog is a sheet that will help you discover your automatic WAFIT and then could be used to create a more constructive conscious WAFIT.
Tags: goals, personal goals, professional goals, Success Magnet, WAFIT
You’re in a relationship and some aspects of it are fine, maybe even wonderful. But other parts don’t work so well. Maybe your sex life could improve or maybe you have a lot of conflict regarding co-parenting. Or maybe you function and cooperate well together but every time you try to communicate something meaningful or emotional, it is unsatisfying and ends up in disappointment and frustration.
Here’s a suggestion- don’t resign yourself to the situation nor should you keep on reacting to it. Instead take a closer look at yourself, yes you, not your partner. Of course you can ask your partner to do the same. If he does, great, if not, let it be for now. Get curious about your own past especially what was missing.
Let me explain this further with a few examples with totally made up names:
Example # 1
Mary was the oldest child in a family with 2 other siblings. Her mother was an alcoholic who was rarely emotionally present and the father was out of town a lot on business. He had few interpersonal skills. Mary learns to be self-reliant at a very early age out of necessity and also takes care of the other 2 children when she senses that her mother is incapable.
Now, Mary is in a marriage where she feels that he does not care and she has to do everything and think of everything. Mary is frustrated and feels like a victim. She comes into therapy with me and I help her to get curious about her own patterns. She sees that she rarely if ever experienced the feeling of relying on someone else. What is missing for her is the feeling of trusting that a person will come through for her. She realizes that she does not allow herself to relax and that she is repeating a survival pattern from childhood in a current marriage. She now knows that she must practice being more dependent in a healthy way.
She needs to leave the misery and familiarity of being always the giver and now must practice being a taker. As she practices that, her husband is now taken out of his comfort zone since she is beginning to ask things of him. He now has to adjust to that and in truth; the probability of him changing his patterns goes up because she has unbalanced the previous status quo of the relationship.
Example # 2
Craig is frustrated with his wife who has no desire to have sex with him. She complains that he is judgmental and can even be a tyrant. He comes into therapy perplexed. He claims he has no malice towards his wife; he just wishes she’d be more efficient at times. I encourage him to look at his past to see what may be going on in his psyche.
Craig had a very critical father who would often say “you will never amount to anything”. He starts to realize how much pressure he puts on himself unconsciously to “prove his father wrong.” He is wound up, has a short fuse, and is as hard on his wife (and kids) as he is on himself. His task is to practice being kinder to himself, take the pressure off and ultimately be gentler with his wife. She just may want to have more sex with him if that happens!
Other things to look for in your past include but are not limited to:
• How were feelings communicated (or not)?
• Were you listened to by your parents?
• How much attention did you get?
• Was there verbal, physical or sexual abuse?
• Were your parents affectionate with each other?
• What were you praised for?
• Did your parents have relatively equal power or was dominant and the other more submissive?
• Was your household relatively permissive or strict?
• What was the attitude in the house about sexuality?
How you answer these above questions gives you clues as to your automatic perceptions, attitudes and behaviors. The key is to become aware and then creative (as opposed to reactive) as I described in the two examples. As you shift from the survival patterns learned in your past to more creative, nurturing acts, your opening the door to possibility of not only you but also your partner. If both of you are doing this simultaneously, you can often see results rather quickly. I am here to help if you need some guidance with this. So, pay attention, take responsibility and be open to a more satisfying relationship future!
Tags: Anger management, communication, feeling closer to my husband, increasing passion, Low sexual desire, marriage, Marriage Counseling, marriage improvement, Oprah, passion, Premarital counseling, Relationship seminars, Sex, Sex addiction, Sex Therapy, sexblog, The Long Hot Marriage, Todd Creager, Todd Creager Center for Successful Relationships
